im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
