nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
