Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
