one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
