Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Randomize
