Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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