You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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