dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
