last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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