I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
