loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
