tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
