I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
