In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
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