everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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