I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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