Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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