We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
