Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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