my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
