dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
