So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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