dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
