i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
