YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.