I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
