he referred to my room as the tit cave...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Panties = found
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
