one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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