Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
