I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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