I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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