I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
