Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
