she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
