Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
