she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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