she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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