I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
