dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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