I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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