Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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