I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
