You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
