Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
