Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I checked into jail on foursquare
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
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