yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
