Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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