when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
