we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
