Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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