I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
