living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
