I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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