fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
