You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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