I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
