DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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