saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
